I never feel more like a Floridian than when…

I never feel more like a Floridian than when I’m not here. I find myself defending my state, and being proud of all of the weird crap that happens here. And believe you me, there is a LOT of weird stuff that occurs in this phallic-shaped state of mine. Don’t take my word for it? Here are just a couple articles Buzzfeed has written about us: The 40 Most Insane Things That Happened in Florida in 2012 and 52 Examples Why Florida Is Still the Craziest State. I could spend a lot of time telling you about my parents’ antics (dancing in public, general shennanigans) but I don’t have the time. Here’s a quiz you can take to see if you’re from Florida (to be fair, I answered no to all of these questions, but maybe that’s because I was born in California). And while I could go on and on about how there are about a bajillion alligators that live here, I’d actually like to draw your attention to some other of our megafauna: AFRICAN LAND SNAILS. As in, SNAILS AS BIG AS RATS THAT CAN EAT THROUGH WALLS. LOOK AT THESE SUCKERS:

A SNAIL BIGGER THAN A HAND

Ridiculous, right? Thanks to Buzzfeed for this other great picture (and the article about them in general):

A snail the size of Florida…

Right? Pretty ridiculous. BUT, my point is, I kind of love my bizarre state. I don’t spend a lot of time here anymore, and haven’t lived here full time in about seven years. The longer I’m away from it the more I forget the terrible heat and the even worse humidity. Disney World becomes a place of joy and laughter, where dreams really do come true, as opposed to that terribly overpriced place where all you really do is stand in line and sweat out buckets and buckets. At least you get rid of some of your body’s toxins? The only perfume here is sunscreen and it is completely permissible to go to a fancy restaurant wearing flip flops. (I’m sitting in a café right now and literally everyone is wearing some type of sandal. To be fair, I’m about 300 feet from the beach.) It’s one of the only places where people spend more time inside when it’s a sunny day, because if you don’t stay in the air conditioning you will immediately die of heatstroke. Cold for us is 60F and you’ll find people wearing long pants and sweaters because they can’t take it. And there are poisonous spiders and snakes, fire ants, crab grass, crabs, RAT SNAILS, and the ubiquitous gator. All the land is really either swamp or beach, and it is completely acceptable for large large people to wear hardly any clothing. It is a dangerous, dangerous place. I’m so glad I’m home.

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One thought on “I never feel more like a Floridian than when…

  1. OMG I friggin love this. I have spent 17 years (and counting) collectively in Florida (from upstate NY), and you couldn’t be more accurate. It seems as though there may still be prehistoric bugs flying around as well. I could literally make a list a mile long about all of the random bizarre things associated with this state… but I sure do love the Gulf Coast water and a happy hour margarita xo

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